Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Smoked Salmon: Lock Your Bike, Don't Lox It

Since yesterday's PSA was a resounding success (despite the fact that even I went "commando" today in the fender department) I've decided to create another one. Unlike fender use, which is really something that doesn't affect other cyclists unless they're riding right behind you, this new PSA targets a group of riders who are a menace to us all. I am referring of course to those directionally-challenged irritants known as "bike salmon." Hopefully this will help them understand that they've got it all backwards:

As you can see, this is sort of a twin-pronged PSA in that it addresses both bike salmoning and personal hygiene, and it's designed to help clean up both our city's streets and our city's crotches.

In the meantime, though, salmoning is rampant. (On the streets, that is. That should not be construed as a crotchal reference.) Just this morning in fact I had a salmon encounter that incorporated so many infuriating elements I might have very well attempted to flog myself to death with my own fenders had I been palping them:


Please note the following elements (from left to right):

--Self-important person blithely texting in bike lane;
--Self-important person's German luxury car with Jersey plates also in the bike lane;
--Trek Madone (with aerobars!) on the roof of German luxury car with Jersey plates;
--Approaching bike salmon in sport jacket.

Ordinarily, any one of these elements by themselves would be annoying enough. When taken all together though it's nothing less than a perfect storm of stupidity; a clustercoital nightmare; a moronic morass so sticky and deep it simultaneously makes me doubt the existence of a God that would allow this to happen yet convinces me that God indeed exists though he lives only to pester me.

Nonetheless, like a cyclocross rider on a muddy course, I resolved to simply power through it. Claiming my rightful line, I forced the salmon to take evasive action, and also managed to get a shot of his soft underbelly as I passed:


Note the headphones. I wonder if he also listens to his music backwards and with his earbuds reversed. Either that, or perhaps there are backwards messages hidden in his Clap Your Hands Say Yeah or whatever other neutered "indie" rock band he may be listening to which are commanding him to ride counter to traffic. In any case, I was pleased to find after developing the photograph and emerging from the darkroom that I did at least force him to grab a fistful (or at least a pinkieful) of brake. And fortunately for him, he survived the encounter, and I'm sure he made it safely to work where he annoyed his colleagues by flushing the toilet before using it and not after, or whatever else it is bike salmon do with the rest of their days.

Apparently, though, not every New York City bike commuter's trip is fraught with tribulation. A reader recently forwarded this video of another New Yorker's commute, which is in marked contrast to my own experiences:


I'd be very interested in knowing what kind of job this person has, since his (or her) commute seems to consist entirely of looking at pretty things. Is he an LSD tester? Does he work as a professional gnome, running around Central Park in a pointy hat and amusing tourists? Maybe he's some kind of poet laureate and he's going to sit on a bench and write some treacly crap about the guy with the saxophone. He should try actually riding in the street and dealing with ugly crap like the rest of us. Then he could ditch the poetry gig and start writing death metal lyrics.

Here's another bike commute (this one from Raleigh, NC) forwarded to me by another reader:


That's a pretty busy cockpit he's got there--I'm not sure I'd be able to find the time to use all that stuff in 3.6 miles. I suppose I'd be able to switch on the light, and maybe I'd manage to ring the bell once or twice if I were to go out of my way to do so, but there's no way I'd get around to scrolling through any of the functions on the computer. Then again, the streets of New York are busier than the streets of Raleigh, so it could just be that handlebar clutter varies inversely with population density. Take London for instance. That's a very busy city, and people there don't put anything on their bars at all:



But while the handlebars may be bare, there's no shortage of leather elsewhere on the bike. Those massive toe straps look like western stirrups, and the bars look like the bike is flexing its "guns." Maybe the leather bands on the frame are supposed to be weightlifting belts. It's the Hans & Franz of fixed-gears:


I wonder if the rider looks like Patrick Swayze.

But if the bike above is a power lifter, this white bike with its dainty riser bars and "Bike Love" message is decidedly more diminutive:


It makes me think of a lemur doing a pirouette:


Yes, New York City is filled with pirouetting lemurs. Rumor has it that they defected from the Bolshoi in the 1960s, escaped the Soviet Union in a shipment of Volga engine parts, and eventually made their way to the USA. Of course, since New York is now rife with agile lemurs, it's a very bad idea to leave your helmet outside with your bike, since you could return to find one of them sleeping in it:


There was no lemur in this helmet (believe me, I checked) though I must say that this is awful helmet placement. Helmets tend to smell of their owners, and dogs love smelling things that smell like people. And anybody who's watched a dog knows that once they've finished smelling something they urinate on it. Furthermore, as I've said before, anybody who's watched anybody walking a dog in New York City knows that people let their precious dogs urinate on absolutely anything. I see dogs urinate on bicycles all the time. The only explanation I can possibly come up with is that the person is actively trying to collect canine urine samples. Maybe he works for the UCI.

But if the emails I've been receiving lately are any indication, there's no place stranger than Sweden. First of all, people there are riding sex swings:

According to the website, the Pedersen bike is "designed as a series of triangles" to "obtain the maximum amount of lateral rigidity." Furthermore, the "hammock-saddle" gives "a comfortable ride, which is to the advantage of people with back trouble." Now that's what I call "laterally stiff and vertically compliant"--there's nothing more vertically compliant than a hammock. Still, I don't buy the "back trouble" thing. That sounds too much like an excuse someone might give for having a vibrator. If you're going to rub a bike with a "banana hammock," at least be up front about it.

But while a "ride" on a Pedersen might put a glide in your stride and a dip in your hip, there are other bikes in Sweden that will lock up your strut instead of loosening it up:


Oh yeah. That's not going anywhere.

And neither is this:

Now that's a safe way to commute by bike. I wonder what the bike salmon in Sweden do, though. Maybe they just pedal backwards.

156 comments:

Anonymous said...

1!!!

Anonymous said...

2!!

Anonymous said...

donkey

Anonymous said...

1st, you suck..

Anonymous said...

ooooff

Mr. Donkey said...

Been a while since I've been on the podium. Feels good.

rezado said...

Voltron form up!

rezado said...

Mr Ass...err donkey

Must be feeling good from faffing off because you missed the podium by a little bit.

Strayhorn said...

The Pedersen bike - didn't we used to call those mixtes?

And the exer-cycle is a hoot. I'm used to seeing those (barely used) being advertised on Craigslist. First time I ever saw one actually being used, albeit in a boneheaded fashion.

Bill said...

snob - i think you made the whole of the commuting population nervous about stopping ahead of others. Everyone I encountered this morning stopped behind the crosswalk and it seemed like a competition to not get ahead. Much like last night at Floyd Bennett Field

tom said...

Top 11

Anonymous said...

Armstrong

Anonymous said...

BOO-YA!

Steven said...

Pirowetting (sic) Lemurs, f-ing priceless, thanks Snobby!

Where the hell do you come up with this stuff, where's your stand up gig?

Anonymous said...

je suis principal vingt

Smell the Glove said...

G*Damn funny today, Snob.

Not that other days aren't funny. But this one definitely goes to eleven.


And, oh yeah - kickstands rule.

Steven said...

Armstong sucks, got dropped 3 minutes in Giro Stage 5, he is done.

da weenie said...

back-to-front. greatest line of the day.

grog said...

Yes, a kickstand on the stationary bike.

KICK STND

Other Side of the GW said...

The 2 videos were interesting. In the NY commute I was transfixed by the alto sax player and the acoustics of the building he was playing in. That was awesome and I replayed it to hear him again.

But the Raleigh, NC ride was odd. The main angle of the video was pointed toward his handlebars.

Was he using the patented Crotch Cam?

kale said...

Not to be rude or anything... but that guy from Raleigh used his kid's helmet.

I don't think ANSI would approve.

Anonymous said...

Yellow Trek for sale - tweet Lance, make offer

ringcycles said...

Cunego! Snob, I though you'd appreciate the simplicity of locking only a fender to the post. I mean, without a proper fender, who'd want to ride a bike through the city anyway?

rezado said...

Snob,

The salmon had at least his pinky and ring finger on the brake lever. So, you may have struck a little more fear in his heart than you think. Kind of like a black bear about to swat him out of the stream and then feed.

He also had two locks dangling from his bike so his bike will safe.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

red neckerson said...

broken hearts are for assholes

CVV said...

ouch

ringcycles said...

brilliant. Snob you had me at "for people who wipe back to front", but you're laddeling it on with death by fender self flagulation, a God that exists just to pester me, the Hans&Franz of fixies, and lemur helmet nesting. I nearly broke a rib containing the laughter today. chapeau

P.S. In Sweden I think bike salmon are filleted, poached, and served for smorgasbord.

stupid rick flair said...

Your PSA is good BikeSnob, but you missed an opportunity to use the correct terminology for directionally challenged people..."bike salmoning...for people who wipe crack to sack"

Anonymous said...

bike salmon on wasa with a smear

Anonymous said...

The "LSD tester" just about killed me. You're just getting funnier. I wish I could be funny like the other commenters, but I have to go adjust my helmet mirror.

Anonymous said...

SNOB - Pretty sure you would Bike Salmon if you had a chance to spawn. Upstreaming is the last gasp at procreation, give the guy a break he just lookin to get some tail.

Be sure to add Bike Salmon as a blog category, wheelin for sex is always Hors Category.

Anonymous said...

is "clustercoitus" what happens on the "banana hammock"?

Mad Jack McMad said...

Boom Shanka

mikeweb said...

Not Diluca

Andrew P said...

I've always suspected you work in advertising. Now I'm sure of it. Or, that you at least made it through a year of ad school.

db said...

In Sweden, bike salmon end up as gravlax.

Mad Jack McMad said...

I think the problem with bike salmoning in Toronto is that most of the people I see doing it are quite visibly disturbed. I think one of the unintended consequences of last year's Igor bike bust was that much of his stock was acquired by some of the more colourful residents of Parkdale and the Junction.

I mean, I'm pretty mad and even I won't fuck with some of these people.

the teeth said...

I'm about 10% more conscientious on the street than I would be otherwise out of fear that I'll unthinkingly pull some dumbass shit and end up featured in this blog. And I feel pretty confident that there are quite a few others who do as well. Hate to say it, but I'm afraid this blog provides a real service beyond the lulzz. Makes riders in the city (oh so) marginally less retarded.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Ordinarily, any one of these elements by themselves would be annoying enough.Ahem.

mikeweb said...

Wow that CCN bike commuter lives in the Upper Eastside and works in the Upper Westside. How convenient!

Critical Ass said...

Clap Your Hands and Say Meh??

I know for a fact the douchenozzle in the sport jacket is listening to an iPod full of Zig Ziglar

Seanywonton said...

Considering all the things this bike salmon you almost ran into does backwards, I think you may have run into Superman's old enemy, "Mister Mxyztplk". Next time try saying his name backwards, it should banish him to his backwards home dimension.

mikeweb said...

Snob, nice job getting Marcia Wallace to pose for your bike salmoning PSA!

Anonymous said...

SNOB!

mikeweb said...

That texting, BMW driving, Madone rackin', bike lane blocker is obviously waiting for Bicycle Habitat to open so he/she can be told for the eighth time that there's nothing wrong the shifting adjustment. He/she just needs to pedal harder to go faster.

Surly Bastard said...

Such alliteration today. Not to mention the near poetic verse. Beautiful writing. And damn funny too.

"When taken all together though it's nothing less than a perfect storm of stupidity; a clustercoital nightmare; a moronic morass so sticky and deep it simultaneously makes me doubt the existence of a God that would allow this to happen yet convinces me that God indeed exists though he lives only to pester me."

Can you hear the golf-clap?

mikeweb said...

CA: Are you sure it isn't Napoleon Hill?

Maybe Napoleon Dynamite...

Seanywonton said...

Concerning the CNN Videographer:
Snob, it looks like you've got some heavy competition. We all know you're good at taking pics on the fly, but this guy apears to be taking VIDEO while doing a TRACKSTAND.

DSTRONG said...

you can park in a bike lane if you have a bike on your car. duh

Anonymous said...

mikeweb 2:24 is onit.

Anonymous said...

Tipp-EPO-HGH-canoe and Tyler too!




PS - Commie Cannuck - Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like the bad guy in the cinematic classic "Team Amerika World Police"?

Luck E. Seven said...

What in the hell is the self-important blithesome texter rocking as a hairstyle?

Has the mullet made its debut in the BMW-driving assface set?


A

Ka_Jun said...

Are those hacked Birkenstocks as toe clips?

mikeweb said...

That London S&M themed fixed gear seems to have a small version of a mace hanging from the seat rails.

Perhaps to deal with with the bike salmon known to inhabit Picadilly Circus.

bk jimmy said...

On that red Trek locked to the pole--anyone else notice the two different-sized giant cogs on the flip-side of the hub? Must be some kind of Sheldon Brown setup.

kale said...

bk jimmy-

Woah, that is a crazy setup.

Kinda puts the pieplate to shame, but in all practicality - it would allow the rider to slay a 1:1 ratio without changing their chainring.

Johnny Sprocket said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johnny Sprocket said...

Why do commuters on hybrids have computers? It's not like they have to worry about how fast they're going? And they don't ride any great distance? Let alone all the other functions on it. Cadence.. wtf?!

bk jimmy said...

1:1? That's, like, double-Zen!

Anonymous said...

KARA!!!!!

Typenschild Delete said...

That bike salmon seems to be rubbing a Kryptoscrote. Sort of a tribute to TruckNutz, I guess.

PS -Steven, dude, some of us are waiting to watch the stage tonight on TV. Keep yer trap shut, jerk.

Typenschild Delete said...

@JohnnySprocket.

It's to keep track of total mileage. Then to calculate how much it would've cost do do that mileage/praking/wear-and-tear on an automobile.

Then use that $ amount saved not driving to convince the spouse that yes you really need that sweet new dynohub/LED light set up. Those fluted fenders, too.

typenschild delete said...

Ha. I said praking. Also, for some reason Google Maps mileage isn't nearly as satisfying as having the info on your handlebar. Not sure why.

ice cube said...

The worst part of the bike-salmon is that they become very indignant when you say something about their miss-guided travel. Are these people full-time joggers who by instinct ride against traffic?? Who are these people? Oh and the indie-rock reference was amazing!!HAHAHAHA "clap your hands say yeah"hahaha!!!! So true snobby, well played sir!

7sp said...

Not only is Sweden singularly strange, it also breeds a particularly nasty strain of bike salmon, namely the one roused half-blind by the brief, superficial weakening of the permafrost nicknamed "summer".

Anonymous said...

typenschild - "Praking" is hard to do if you don't run/rub/rock/palp "preaks" on your fixie.

Pierce said...

For the past few weeks as I pass salmon, I yell at them SALMON! Which usually happens on that battle ground that is Clinton St. though I'm sure it comes out like everything people tell me, sssallmmmmmm. I think someone on the bridge told me to watch the road, I heard waa uh toad. But I am pretty guilty of riding up stream, when I go get $1 pizza for lunch on St Marks, I really rather not go down to 1st ave. But between all the tourists and the up tha punx in the street, I don't think anyone notices anyway.

hillbilly said...

oh no, now a link has been provided in the streetsblog comments to you, there goes the neighborhood, those people are mo-rons

Test Tickle said...

Absofuckinglutely brilliant today. Wow. I need to change my chamois.

Ice Cube - Hosoi Christ Air!

Anonymous said...

I've never felt so akin with so many as when i wiped this morning. Thank you for sharing.

Natas Spins said...

Th "Umpteenth Wheelie" being perped (perping is the new palping) is actually a Boneless.

theshepherdsdog said...

"New York is full of pirouetting lemurs", so funny

jarvinho said...

The bike salmon in Sweden are called Cykellaxar. They are a very common sight around this time of year as the sun emerges from the other side of the earth. They are particularly fond of going the wrong way over a bridge here in Gothenburg. The common bike salmon, however, is nothing compared to the moped salmon. While the bike salmon are limited by the power of their legs, the moped salmon are ably assisted in their upstream efforts by a rather smelly two-stroke petrol engine and a horn, they use to try and enforce the idea that they are, in fact, the dominant predator in the stream.

Popular Swedish tongue twister:
Sex laxar i en laxask.

ant1 said...

Check this out:
"...too hilarious...but does that make chris horner, bottle's bottle ???...now THAT frickin' guy deserves props...great bike racer...righteous cat...
...hope something works out w/ the uci if the borats are singin' the death knell...
...love,
bgw"

posted today on the TOTO page

It seems our missing bikesgonewild has been hanging out on other sites. What the hell? Are we not good enough for him anymore? I feel cheated.

theshepherdsdog said...

oh yeah and i've seen soo many of those exercise bike for sale on the Wash DC (and Baltimore) bike section. Someone right now want's 400 bucks for, right, and "barley used" one. Those are in such great abundance that Goodwill stopped accepting them, what a dolt! Now I flag them as miscategorized; they should be under sporting equipment or whatever.

CommieCanuck said...

That western stirrup bike is in fact a large bull nose ring, as seen in bugs bunny cartoons.

Gee. People really surprised to see Lance's ass dropped? He's the only guy we know for sure is riding clean this year. This is your hero not on drugs.

"It's all about the EPO" -in paperback soon.

Bill said...

what the crap! i just saw that on nyvelocity!! damn, i'm gonna go try to harass him back into the fold

Luck E. Seven said...

Sorry BGW-lovers.

After watching Rosanarosanadana pound donuts while tripping balls recently during the Meet Luck E. Seven grand prize winner's trip, BGW may have sworn off this site forever.

It was hard to discern his exact sentiments through the sputtering, gagging, and crying, but I THINK he said that he was, "...tired of carrying...this flaccid pack of... malcomments up the hill!"

Whatever that means...


A

flaco the flaccid said...

i hope you didn't offer to give him a pull at that point

Anonymous said...

I work in downtown Raleigh, too. If that were my commute, I'd save a ton of cash on gas, but in reality...

We even have fixie riding hipsters here in Raleigh, even though I don't think there have EVER been bike messengers. Proof is in the posing.

bikesgonewild said...

...hey...lemme alone...shit...i went out for a ride, got lost & well, you know how it goes...

...but honest to god, "not good enough" ???...definitely not my thinkin'...not a chance, nada, not even close...i'm like "stuff you find on yer downtube after a long ride"...a little sticky, a little nasty, maybe needs to be wiped off occasionally but expressive, like...

...tried an ellipsis intervention while i was out but that shit ain't gonna work...

...ps:- i may have had something to do w/ some fake 'VELONEWS: Headlines' postings though i find using CAPITAL LETTERS & normal punctuation on a regular basis to be annoying so that's more shit that ain't gonna happen regularly...

...guess i thought i needed a break/brake from being me for a while but that shit ain't gonna work either so i'm back to just being, well, me...

...fuck, just sayin'...

Luck E. Seven said...

Flaco,

After all that had transpired, I thought better of it. He was so mad that I had to nearly beat him to death with a fender just to escape.

That was no time for smartassiness. Sure hope Brad Wedemeyer's visit with Snob goes better than the trainwreck BGW and I experienced.

If only we hadn't stopped for donuts...

GAWD DAMN IT!! Now he's got me doing it with the stupid ellipses. I swear, the guy can't finish a fucking sentence in person. Sure, on the comment board it's charming as hell. I thought I was going to choke him after a whole day with him. SPIT IT OUT already!!!

Still, BGW's a great guy and has been riding bikes for a long time for whatever it's worth.


A

mikeweb said...

Just as a warning:

I'll riding south on 6th ave. today from 47th to Spring.

Backwards.

Listening to Tony Robbins.

ant1 said...

Glad to have you back BGW.

Paul Bowen said...

Honestly Snobbers, I couldn't be as funny in a week as you are day in day out; just a brilliantly funny piece of writing.

I attended a talk by Mike Burrows (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Burrows) last year and he was scathing about Pedersens, making the very good point that when you look at design history it's real easy to spot the good designs because they get copied. Noone ever copied a Pedersen. Bloody awful ride, I know that much. He was also very complimentary about the Brompton, for which I was pathetically grateful.

red neckerson said...

damm bgw.....fuck.....shit.....fuck some more.....you gots all the food groups covered there feller.....

Anonymous said...

Scarf woman from yesterday really ought to have been told to google Isadora Duncan.

Of course, if rubbing Dr. Who scarves ever catches on among fixters, well...problem solved, I guess.

Anonymous said...

Maybe somebody could market an "Omega 3" bike to the self aware salmon out there. With a tail fin. Kinda like a mohawk or vertical fender.

bikesgonewild said...

...thanks ant1st n' red...

...& luck e.seven...if i owe you a written apology, consider this it...but in my defense, seeing rosanarosanadana was one thing but on top of that, seeing rosanarosanadana surrounded by do-nuts was a little overwhelming...& then she offered me a pull.........damn...

...i was like"whoa, lumpy chamois comin' up" & anything i said after that was pure subterfuge...

...but hey, i just got the fotos of my visit back...i'd say "priceless" but actually the bill was for $23.99...uh, can i send you the receipt & get reimbursed ???...

...thanks...

7sp said...

The Pedersen is danish, mind you. Here is swedish engineering at its finest.

Wes said...

Who's the chick with the two sumo wrestlers? Martina Navratilova?

Wes said...

bgw

Just send any receipts you've got to HM Government, England. They've been paying out for everything.

Luck E. Seven said...

BGW-

Thanks man; no apology needed. Hell, I'd have done the same thing. That RRD was NASTY, pull or no pull.

You took pictures of all that?!?!


A

sibosop said...

Today I encountered a Bart bike police salmoner. It's over.

Michael said...

I have only one question. What the hell is a bike lane and why would you want or ride in one? Ok, that is really two, but, what are ou guys doing????

sprider said...

Too funny, I should not have been having a libation when I read about the lemurs! I even pirated the photo to pass on.
BGW, I thought you were lost. Glad to see those ellipses again.
Just in time for the real racing season.

electric said...

Snob, in your lust to expose bike lane salmon you've tagged an innocent BMW(cut him some slack, he rides a bike too!). I digress, let me explain - today was drive your bike to work day!!

Astroluc said...

RE: the red Swedish Trek... I just do NOT understand bmx platform pedals on any incarnation of a roadbike.

red neckerson said...

fuck yeah

Anonymous said...

Don't worry too much about the salmon or the commuter pack-meat. In a few weeks when it's 80 degrees at 7 in the morning they'll all return to where they were during winter: the subway. They won't be back until late September.

Luck E. Seven said...

102!!!

Ditto that Astroluc.


A

Bluenoser said...

Missed it by that much...

-Don Adams

Bluenoser said...

Snobbie,

The Pacific Salmon are doing great compared to the Atlantic Salmon.

Maybe the reason for the great hoards of fixed riders in places like Seattle??

Perhaps we need to be putting little baby fixed riders upstream in the Hudson so they will return to spawn in four years.

That's after they migrate to Greenland where the Atlantic Salmon babies go, which is part of Denmark and they learn how to ride bikes with fenders.

You could go to some bridge and watch them swim back...

-B

Anonymous said...

This what you get for running a red light. Listen to Mr. NY Bike Snob:

http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/32/19/32_19_mm_bike_lane.html

Anonymous said...

I'm sure someone's already mentioned this, but the actual "bike" path on the Williamsburg bridge has been closed for BIKE TO WORK WEEK! Only the south entrance from Brooklyn is open (much narrower/bumpier and supposed to be bike-free).

Today a purple fixter decided to "drop" me on the way over. Like most fixters, they're not as fast as they think they are. And are too oblivious to realize they should keep right. Ahhh, the be an individual.

Anyway, it was packed and all so I couldn't pass, and after huffing his way up, he started AIR DRUMMING! It was pretty hilarious, his triumphant exhaustion causing such rocking. But then he checked back and saw I was still right there, waiting to get around him and he stopped. Kinda disappointing, since his antics made my disgust of him almost go away.

Anonymous said...

The appropriate weapon for salmon is the Zounds! air horn, multi decibels of pure, terrifying noise, especially if you wait to push the button until you are right under the salmon's right ear. I think they may have re-named the thing with a more conventional name, but it's the same device: pump up a small waterbottle sized pressure tank with a floor pump and blast away for up to, say, two continuous minutes.

In Albuquerque -- where I live and ride -- fortunately, salmon are rarish, but I've found the air horn to be good for deaf and lobotomized pedestrians on our bike paths.

When I do encounter salmon, I generally play chicken and force them to ride into auto trafic-- why should I take that risk?

Justin said...

"...makes me doubt the existence of a God that would allow this to happen yet convinces me that God indeed exists though he lives only to pester me."

I like that you've summed up my work day perfectly.

Anonymous said...

Would you please get a camera with an auto-focus that works?
I mean I am heartened that you document these things but Holy Toledo (by which I mean the former Glass Capital of the World), your photos are quite blurry.

Maybe that's NYC air causing visibility problems.

Sorry... but I'm a whiner.
I come from a long line of whiners. It's genetic.

Happy Bike to Work Week.
Being out of work, I truly appreciate the free breakfasts and the fact that I can bike to them for free.

Anonymous said...

SCHMEAR!

Fuck gravlax!

LUTE FISK

Lawrence said...

The Bike paths in my part of the world are teaming with Salmon of an evening, all of whom seem to use super bright trail lights, angled perfectly to shine in the correctly orientated path users eyes.

bikesgonewild said...

...luck e.7 & wes...

...i doubt "her majesties government" would wanna pay for those kinda photos...(but i could use some dandy bespoke uk clothing for 'tweed rides')...

...anyway, ya, i shooting away but when i got 'em back, there was a black bar across all the eyes in the pictures, like something out of a 1950's "police confidential" mag...

...so we're both safe...fer now...

bikesgonewild said...

...& thanks sprider...ya, w/ the first of the grand tours underway i hadda come back...

...needed to address guys like steven who thinks lance sucks & is done & good ol' reliable commiecanuk who continues to expound w/ amazing ignorance on mr armstrong...(but hey, it's all in the name of truth through humor, right cc ???)...

...so lemme see if i've got it straight...this is a 37yr old bicycle racer who was out of competition at the highest pinnacle of the sport for 3-1/2 years (do i need to reiterate the "37yr old" part or the "out of competition...for 3-1/2 years" part ???...no ???, ok, good 'cuz i was wondering if you guys had forgotten), broke a collarbone two months ago, yet is at the moment in 22nd place, 3min & 34 sec out of the lead in one of THE major races of the year, whereas the gentleman in last or 194th place in the giro d'italia is already 55min & 2sec out of the lead...

...now, my math sez that would be 172 guys (who may or may not have raced their bikes over the last 3.5 years...i wasn't paying attention to all of them) that are sitting lower in the standings than ol' lance...

...i'd say he's laughing on the bus right now w/ that information...& when i read your opinion, well bwahahahaha (fake laugh) i'm laughing at the "standard" you hold mr armstrong to...

...now THAT is comical...

Anonymous said...

@ bk jimmy 2:55, I thinks those are the chainrings on the other bike.

CommieCanuck said...

anon 2:30..yes, someone once told me that, so I had him imprisoned and tortured.

so ronely.

Anonymous said...

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A Slammin' Salmon Poet

Ryan B said...

"a moronic morass so sticky and deep . . ." You are brilliant, my friend. Your snark is immeasurable.

Pack Phil said...

Clue me in. The Pedersen bike is from Denmark, no? Are these migrating to Sweden?

Last time I was in Sweden, I (thankfully) didn't see anyone rubbing their Peder. Instead they were schluffing these, which supposedly are now available in the US.

CommieCanuck said...

Those Swedish bikes are awesome. Once you get enough momentum, you can coast for hours.

If I were in Norway or Finland, I'd be nervous, the Swedish army could coast in silently in the night and lead a successful invasion, then bammo..five years later, everyone's eating loganberries on sleek affordable modular furniture watching high quality porn.

Never turn your back on a Swede.

Shram said...

KICK STND

FUCK YEAH

Anonymous said...

You can't blame Bike Salmon for their errant spawning of your precious bike lanes, their natural routs have been blocked and sometimes destroyed all together. We’ve tried to fix this problem but Salmon ladders don't work well enough. They will never stop; No drive is less persistent than the instinct to procreate; except maybe the instinct to swing by Dunkin’ Donuts before getting to work. Ease up, This is the consequence of our actions.

Jim said...

>>>Pedersen bike is "designed as a series of triangles"

Wait a minute - you mean they are now designing bikes using a series of tubes arranged in multiple triangles?

Holy fucking shit! This could revolutionize cycling as we know it!

Nobody tell the UCI about though, mkay? Otherwise, they'll either prohibit this advance in technology, or all of a sudden, in arbitrary fashion, insist that *everybody* ride bikes that are basically a series of triangles. And nothing could be worse for our sport than that.

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Anon 1153-

Yeah, but Dunkin' Donuts is the official deep fried breakfast pastry supplier to Champions.

The combination of easily assimilated sugars and 12 for the price of 6 make it hard to resist. I mean it really is the best junk food for junk miles.

dan in austin said...

That wasn't a saxomophone, it was a clarimanet, I think. God, I'm bored

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ant1 said...

where the hell is snob today?

bikesgonewild said...

...breakfast at tiffany's, i mean denny's w/ wedemeyer dude ???...

Mekuh said...

Brilliant lol, it probably is piss. god. I don't ride thru any liquid here in LA. It never rains so the shortlist of puddles on the ground is disgusting

AngryDane said...

Sorry, as a Danish expat I have to reiterate what another commenter mentioned:

THE PEDERSEN BICYCLE IS DANISH!

Confusing Danes with Swedes is like.. like... like confusing Danish meatballs with Swedish meatballs - ours are ever so slightly larger!

BikeSnobNYC said...

AngryDane,

Sorry to have inadvertently offended you! I realize the bicycle is Danish, but it was in fact spotted in Stockholm by a reader in Sweden.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

The yuppy never got the message that Cadence shut down in NYC and doesn't know how to return his madone to pay for his car, now that Leymans dropped his ass.

Anonymous said...

Funny, good job Snob! I was caught by a huge "risata" reading about that monkey-lemor dancing and seeing those last pictures about locking bikes. And the video of that poetic bike-commuter? Terrific! Ciao
Luca

Anonymous said...

probably 100 people said the same thing as i am going to do, but anyway....

Pedersen is danish, but i guess you dont google things in New york.

and even if you don´t, .DK would make you think it might not be sweden.

stay the fuck away from Berlin!

G said...

This is how you should NOT lock your bike:
http://www.gilka.co.uk/2009/08/02/how-not-to-lock-your-bike/

Anonymous said...

motherfucker cockhole.

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Rene Netter said...

Hi there, I am selling my Pederson bike for $800. It is here in Brooklyn, NY. If you are interested then email me at: rnetter @ gmx.net or call 347-422-7440. Thanks, Rene

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Marie said...

The problem of salmons exist everywhere in the world it seems. I think we need some serious measures to stop them, enter a bike lane from the wrong direction and a nail bed pops up making your tyres explode.

Bill said...

The salmons are bad...but what's worse are the ones who speed past a crosswalk with pedestrians who have the right of way light crossing. I got ran over once because I had the right of way and crossed the crosswalk but this idiot ran over my foot and then cursed me out afterwards!

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BRUUNpoulsen said...

The Pedersen is a magnificent bike. And yes, people with back problems DO prefer this bike. If it's because of the saddle I don't know, but to able to ride with a straight back is important.

We've just started a new production in Denmark. Please visit www.BRUUNpoulsen.DK

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